When you have to deliver bad news, whether it is to fire someone or tell the children that you are getting a divorce, go in with the purpose of giving them the news, of taking responsibility for your part in the outcome, of showing that you care about how they feel, and of trying to be helpful going forward.Most difficult conversations involve the “blame game,” that is, who's to blame for the mess we're in.It's always possible to define a problem without reference to feelings.The gap between what you're really thinking and what you're saying is part of what makes a conversation difficult.You also need to understand what the people involved are thinking and feeling, but not saying to each other. When you are participating in a conversation, you need to understand not only what is said, but also what is not said.
5 Great Ideas from Difficult Conversations All participants in a difficult conversation contribute to the outcome. Despite that, I learned and gained a lot from reading this book, and, as I read, I found myself getting a deeper understanding of the subject matter. It helps us to see how our perceptions of ourselves may affect the position that we take.ĭifficult Conversations is a lot longer than it needs to be, and bloated in some areas. The identity conversation looks at how the event interacts with our identity. The feelings conversation helps to unravel the complexities of our emotions, while diffusing the negative effects.
Rarely do understanding the facts alone resolve the situation.įeelings are often at the core of a difficult situation. The “what happened” conversation gets to the facts without placing blame or guessing the others' intentions. Stone, Patton and Heen explain that each difficult conversation is really three different conversations – The “What Happened” Conversation, The Feelings Conversation and The Identity Conversation. ” help you turn difficult conversations into learning conversations by helping you handle each of the Three Conversations more productively and improving your ability to handle all three at once.”
One of the authors' stated goal of Difficult Conversations is to Do we avoid or confront them? The authors provide a framework for understanding and conducting difficult conversations.
Having difficult conversations book how to#
We all face difficult conversations, at home and at work, and each of us has to struggle with how to address them. “what it is that makes conversations difficult, why we avoid them, and why we often handle them badly.” Douglas Stone, Bruce Patton and Sheila Heen define a difficult conversation as anything you find hard to talk about. Initial Thoughts on Difficult Conversationsĭifficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Mostĭifficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most comes out of the work of the Harvard Negotiation Project.
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